Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Addicted to Oil: Petrophilla and the Like

Hi, my name is Jason.
Reader: Hi Jason.
I have an addiction, several actually. I didn’t really feel like it was a problem at first, but as soon as I became aware of my habits, I couldn’t stop myself. I looked on the internet for the proper names of my addictions, and since I can’t find them, I’m going to have to make their names up.
We’ll start first with my admission that I’m a McDonaphile. This one I hate to admit the most. I’m not a heavy user, and if it’s any consolation, when I do use, I keep to the dollar menu. But if I find myself on a hot day and the conditions are right, I’ve been known to pay three and a half bucks for a cold coffee. This condition is usually the result of my desire to get something quick and easy to eat with the absence of a competitor who serves veggie burgers on their dollar menu. It sits right there with Tacabellaphile. Old habits die hard, and I’ve had this habit since I was 17 when I ate there five or six times a week. I might exasperate these conditions once in a while with my love for a sweet soda. Anyone know what the name for that one is? I’d love to say colaphile, but I think the root name would be highfructosecornsyrupaphile. Say that three times fast.
After I satisfy my hunger for food, or sometimes in the process of satisfying it, I’ll drive off to wherever I was going in the first place which brings me to my next obsession. Autophilia is the love of the automobile. This isn’t quite the sin though, since actually loving the car doesn’t pollute the environment, but my love of cars begets my love of petroleum which leads to my next condition… petrolphilia?
I’m currently typing on a keyboard made of plastic, (ever heard of a computer with wooden keys?), using a mouse with the same material, and currently own about a bazillion things in my house which are made of this petroleum based material. So, and I’ve done some research on this, this may make me a polymerphile, vinylophile, polyvinylchloridiphile, polystyrenaphile or nylonaphile (to name just a few) which all depends on what I’m “jonesing” for at that particular moment.
I’m happy to say that I’ve dropped some of my previous loves which I won’t go into at this particular moment. Be it safe to say, I’m nowhere near where I want to be with my addictions, but knowing that you have a problem is half the battle.
My name is Jason, and I’ve been clean for the past nano-second. –Jason

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